i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
