I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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