life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Mom said you looked used
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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