oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
