Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
