rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
