Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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