I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
