my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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