woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
