what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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