K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
