she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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