It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
