You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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