Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
