All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
