Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
