Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
