I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
