I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
BRING THE BAGELS
I would ride that face into the sunset
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
