She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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