When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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