I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
