Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
