Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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