Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
