my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
