went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
