if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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