6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
