it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
