So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
