is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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