My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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