Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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