Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
