Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
