this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
