apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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