I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
