Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Randomize
