By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
