i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
