I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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