I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
