He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We left an ass print on the piano.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
