it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
