Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
