i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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