I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
