yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you didnt know i had herpes?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
